my week in general

After my rant on Sunday about how my stammer is this week has been . . . . . .. well surprise surprise more of the same. i’m still doing exactly the same as before and i just cannot get out the habit of doing it. My head is telling me to stop and start again my mouth is just ignoring it, however as in previous blogs i’m not too bothered about it. I am determined not to let it get me down and just focus on the positives and the steps i have taken to get here. My asthma is very much controlled now so i can’t use that as an excuse it’s just simply one of those things i just have to accept. I honestly didn’t expect to conquer my stammer and i will take the progress i am making. Small steps is a phrase i use in a lot of my blog but it does really sum how i feel perfectly. I’m 34 not 13 and am not going to pick things up straight away and boom perfection. Debbie will tell you i am very much set in my ways and i fear change but i will make it (eventually). As long as i am still putting myself in difficult situations and facing them i will be happy to continue as i am. I am hoping that now the warmer weather should be heading our way my asthma will start to ease also, the cold mornings plays havoc with my breathing especially as i cycle to work, hopefully things will improve, i am in the middle of doing a peak flow chart for the asthma clinic to assess and again once I’ve completed three weeks of it we shall see what happens.

This week we have taken the opportunity with the lighter evenings to get out for longer with Charlie, his favourite place is definitely the beach, he absolutely loves it, i’ve got a couple of photos of the beach in Sandown but it was a bitterly cold afternoon and my hands were freezing and i didn’t want to hang around too long as the wind coming of the sea was going straight though me and also we have gone down to the bird hut in alverstone, hopefully weather permitting i’ll be going to Osbourne House and Carisbrooke Castle this weekend

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Stammer rut

So for today’s post it’s back to the origins of why I started writing this in the first place my STAMMER. For about 6 weeks now I have been very lax with my speech and to be perfectly honest I don’t know quite how to get out of this rut I am in. The problem for me is that I’m happy with where my speech is, it’s far from perfect and I am much less fluent than I was when I first started my blog but because I don’t feel frustration anymore does this mean I’m not bothered? Should I continue with my techniques when I am content with how things are going?
It’s a strange situation for me and to be honest it has me stumped, I DO want to be more fluent especially with the cruise coming up so soon but I don’t want to push things either. Although I have done two things this week that I haven’t done since I started my blog. I made a joke about my stammer and also stopped talking altogether. I did notice that I did it though and it did annoy me that I did it maybe I’m more frustrated than I realised.
I’ve still not got round to try the tai chi that I wanted to do, I just can’t motivate myself to do it at the moment. I’ve spoken in the past about my complacency and again it’s still there I can’t shift it, don’t know how to get rid of it either !!
Been a strange few weeks all things considered

different week same story

For danger of sounding like a broken record this week has pretty much followed the path of the past couple of weeks. The cold mornings are definitely affecting my breathing which in turn is affecting my speech. I am trying to fight the frustration but it is getting harder and harder, i can feel myself pulling stupid faces when i am stuck and instead of stopping and taking a deep breathe and starting again i am not doing it and just continuing through the block. This is mainly at home which is probably to be expected as its where i am most comfortable and i don’t need to prove myself. I am not feeling stressed about the situation though as i’m hoping once the warm weather arrives my asthma will be less problematic. I have also noticed that i am speaking too fast again, but i am proud of that fact that i am spotting the signs and i know what i am doing wrong, ok fair enough i’m not being successful in applying the changes straight away but i am getting there honest!!!!. I don’t know why i speak too fast probably from being in a family unit with strong characters where you have to get your opinions out quick before someone else starts talking.

My goals for this week are to slow down my speaking and try to take deep breathes before and during a sentence.

With the warmer weather afternoons and lighter evenings we’ve taken the opportunity to walk Charlie for longer now and thats been really nice, i love being able to turn my head off for a while and also get my camera out. I was pleasantly suprised  by the feedback i received from my last blog so if you don’t mind dear readers i’d like to add a best of weekly photos. At the moment we’ve only got down to the bird hut  and surrounding areas in Sandown but once it gets warmer we can go exploring again, as you can see i do like a sunset and wildlife, Imagehope you enjoy the photos you’re feedback is always welcome. You never know this might be a new blog for me. I’ve got some great photos from past holidays that i can use so maybe i should start a new blog or keep it limited to this blog what do you think? should i combine the two subjects of stammering and photography?. I’m not so sure to be honest although one calms me down so the other is more fluent? Decisions decisions perhaps i should take a vote!!,

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chilling

Been nice having my days off the past couple of weeks, this week especially what with bank holiday Friday and Monday i am enjoying just switching my brain off so far and i still have one more day to go. My speech has been fine not perfect but i am happy with it, i still can’t quite get past the first word without making some kind of noise and although i have had a couple of really bad phone calls this week i am still satisfied with how things are going. I made a conscious decision last weekend not to be too hard on myself and just let things be, no matter how harsh i am on myself ( i have always been my own worst critic) i have to be proud of how far i have come over the last two months. Small steps over time is gonna be better for me than large steps in a short space of time, this isn’t a race or competition i am in so no need to rush things. The cold air at the moment is affecting my breathing therefore affecting my speech but i have to be pragmatic about it , there is nothing that can be done about that, as long as i take my inhaler i’m fine. Again as soon as i am in full flow my stammer is tolerable 

Whilst i am off i have been taking charlie (my beautiful dog) out with me. One of my hobbies is photography and although i get frustrated with some aspects of it i do really enjoy going out and taking photos. I’m a bit of a twitcher on the quiet and i love going down the local bird hut and seeing what i can find. It’s not just the odd bird that i take i love scenic shots as well as wildlife and I’m fortunately that i live on such a beautiful island and the scenery is breathtaking. Whenever we go out with Charlie i usually weather permitting taking my camera and usually take a few hundred photos for me to shift through when we get back, quite a lot go in the recycle bin as i put my camera onto burst mode so i get a lot of the same but it’s something that i really enjoy doing and it does really chill me out. I can only imagine the amount of photos i’m gonna come back with from the cruise!!!. When the summer’s here me and deb are usually out for a good few hours exploring with charlie our wonderful island, i’ve got thousands of photos that i’d love to share but i’ll limit them to a few honest. I do love my camera as it’s not too technical but it does take some wonderful shots, i can’t take all the credit although i would like to. I think it’s something that i would have liked to have gotten into when i was younger but it is a great hobby for me now.

A chilled out David is a happy David 

So i’ve posted a few of my favorites hope you enjoy themImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage

confession time

This week as mentioned in previous blogs has been a strange one, the cold weather hasn’t helped my asthma one bit which in turn has affected my stammer, i have been complacent and it has annoyed me even more than usual as i now know that i am doing it and doing nothing to conquer it. Saturday was slightly better for me although i did come home and go to sleep for a couple of hours after work something that i very rarely do but i had a headache most of the day and was feeling a bit poorly (man flu alert)!!.

My concerns about not being able to do the cruise proved unfounded as i have reached my target goal and we are now virtually good to go, i need to get a few bits and pieces for myself and Debbie and then boom!! we there (81 days and counting). So looking forward to doing this you wouldn’t believe, i just want it to be perfect as it is for our 10th wedding anniversary. Been planning most things but it;s hard to stick to one thing before i find something else, Debbie says we should just play it by ear and go with the flow, something i find really hard to do. I’m such an anorak sometimes i love being in control of what we are doing etc etc.  We’ve got excursions booked for St Petersburg and Bruges and i’ve planned a trip to the Ice Bar and the statue gardens in Oslo but Copenhagen, Talinn and Helsinki is just gonna be blindly finding things to do!! Should be interesting. I think because it’s our first cruise i am apprehensive of what to expect, i’m probably taking too much money but i’d rather be sat on the boat thinking we could do this and that then having to work out what we can or can’t do. If anyone has been on the royal caribbean adventurer of the seas cruise liner i’d love to hear from you. As Debbie will testify i can be a little anal in that i NEED to know details in advance, i hate surprises and i’m not the most spontaneous of guys.

Now for my confession time!! i was due to go to the asthma clinic for the first time to have a chat with them and let them know how my inhaler has been and all that, Debbie wrote in the diary the date Wednesday 20th 16:45 and i even checked it when she asked me earlier in the week, however something in my brain told me it was actually Thursday the 21st at 16:45, so i missed it d’oh!!. Luckily Debbie explained to the doctors that i was an idiot and the secretary and her even agreed that men were stupid and now i’m booked in for the 12th of April at 11:30 ( if someone on here could remind me nearer the time i would appreciate it).

So my goals for this week are to stop being complacent and go back to how well i was doing before, and also to stop being a goldfish!!!

spooky?

Literally seconds after i published my last blog, i received a text message saying that one of the things i have been worried about has been resolved!! (happy dance). That’s put a whole new spin on things for me today strange how things have a way of working themselves out.

hard week

This week for some reason or another has been a real struggle, i know in my previous post i spoke of complacency settling in but i don’t know now, i kinda get the impression that’s somethings about to go wrong somewhere along the line, either speech or personal wise and i’m aware of it. Sounds strange i know but i think i’m a little anxious. No real reasons or proof that something will but sometimes you just a get a feeling don’t you? (well don’t you?).  It’s hard to explain really but i just don’t feel 100% right at the moment, it’s very unsettling!!! 

complacency setting in

So after another busy week work wise I’ve had a very enjoyable day and half rest with Debbie. I look forward to Sundays with Debbie as this is the only day off we get together and i always use it to gauge feedback on my speech and how things have gone this week. I’m very lucky that i have such a good relationship with Deb that we’ve always been able to share things with each other and are able to work through things, yes we may criticize each other every now and again but once the sulking has stopped (usually me) we carry on track as normal. I feel that from Wednesday onwards my speech hasn’t been its most fluent and that maybe i have settled back into the routine of accepting it. I feel like i am becoming complacent and that i don’t need to use the techniques that i have been using successfully over the past few weeks,as in most of my recent blogs the trouble is starting the conversations especially with phonetic words b,c,d,f,s,t, etc starting words have always been an Achilles heel for me and this week has shown me there is still work to be done. However if i put things slightly into perspective it’s not really bothering me at the moment. Is this a good thing?, should i be constantly putting myself under pressure to talk fluently? .I feel like i am in a good place at the moment so surely i’m allowed a few off days? Then again if i have a few too many off days will that put me back where i was before Christmas.

It’s hard to figure it out at the moment. I do know that i have come on in leaps and bounds in a short time and perhaps I’ve peaked too early. I’m looking forward to having my day off this week for the first time in weeks and am thinking that maybe I’ve become complacent because I’ve had no real time to myself where i can just chill out. For the past few weeks I’ve been constantly on the go and maybe I’ve neglected myself. Poor Debbie and Charlie ( my dog) have been neglected as by the time i’m home i’m too knackered to do anything else but after this week I’ve achieved what i wanted to do in terms of getting enough spending money for our cruise so i am definitely going to cut back the on the amount of overtime i am doing, especially now when its staying lighter in the evenings now so we can walk charlie for longer. I like taking charlie our for long adventures it’s nice to sort of turn the brain of and not have to think, i enjoy taking photos as well and am truly lucky that i live in such a beautiful part of the country.

I do normally love taking time to myself on my day off especially, in terms of chilling out i usually go out with my iPod  camera and charlie. Theres nothing better for me then going on a long walk taking photos of nature, birds, scenery etc, slightly antisocial maybe but if it helps why the devil not. Music is very important to me it’s helped me calm down on many occasions and chills me out immensely. I didnt really get into music until i was about 13 when Grant Pomeroy made me  a mix tape of bands like Green Day, Pearl Jam, The Offspring, Red Hot Chili Peppers and the man who probably changed my life Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. I was brought up listening to Rod Steward on my dad’s side and the Smith’s on my mums and until then really only knew bands from Top Of The Pops and the Chart Shows but this music really opened my eyes. I found other bands past and present that really spoke to me and it’s been a continuation of that today. From the britpop and indie years of Mansun, Oasis, Blur etc I’ve mainly gotten into American and Canadian bands. My top 5 bands at the moment are Papa Roach, Shinedown, The Used, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Billy Talent. Papa Roach have been with me since 2000 i love all of there stuff, i remember my twin and his girlfriend at the time always used to complain about how depressing my music was but it’s always had the opposite effect on. Whenever I’ve had a really stressful day or having one i always play Papa Roach on my iPod and it all seems ok.  I have to say i am quite lucky in that depression doesn’t really come into for me, any of you that are reading my twin’s blog the depressed moose know what he is going through but i can honestly say apart from a few days of self loathing and doubt i never really get depressed. Frustrated yes but that’s a totally different thing. I don’t know if depression is something that runs in my family, we aren’t by any stretch of the imagination a close family, we’ve never spoke to each other about feelings or anything like that which i think was a shame, i do sometimes envy families who are extremely close but then again would i want everyone’s  problems to deal with along with mine?

I do understand where Garry is coming from sometimes and probably some of his problems stem from the fact that as a family we aren’t close at all. I have two brothers a sister and countless aunts and uncles but apart from one or two i don’t speak to any of them, me and my dad havent spoken since 2004 and even Garry and me went years without speaking. It is a shame that where we were quite close once we aren’t anymore, but surely that’s part of life? I don’t regret moving to the Isle of Wight to be with Deb and my life is 100 times better for it, i couldn’t imagine moving back to London

mini melt down averted

Well after my mini melt down the other day things are back to how they should be, I’ve had a good couple of days probably helped by the fact that i have finished work at a reasonable time  which is nice as i can spend the late afternoon snuggled on the sofa and then the evening catching up with deb. I’ve only got two more weeks of extra overtime then i have got the amount that i wanted for the cruise and i can tone it down a little so that i am fully relaxed for the cruise. (did i mention i was going on a cruise?). My stammer has been quite good really as well considering how out of breath i have been due to the cold conditions and asthma, again it’s really only the start of the conversations that is causing me grief but i’ll take that to be honest. Rome wasn’t built in a day but i am still pleased with my progress. I haven’t seen Gillian my speech therapist since September and although i feel i don’t need her anymore i want to see her so she can see the improvement in me ( also i want her to say how well i’m doing!! come on i am a man you all know how we like our ego stroked). Hopefully in a couple of weeks i will arrange this as i would like some feedback all joking aside and i think i would benefit from getting some speech exercises to keep for later use just in case. I have noticed myself how calm i have become again which is nice for everyone, Debbie always used to say when we first met how chilled out i was and i had missed being that person the last few years but i can genuinely say he’s back and i had missed him.

I am trying to set myself some goals to achieve this week as well, I want to be able to start a conversation calmly and also i feel that i’m using this asthma as a little bit of an excuse so i want to stop that, I know i’m getting out of breath a fair bit but that’s partly due to me not doing my breathing exercises that i know. I can’t get into the habit of using asthma as an excuse like i did my stammer. I’m stronger than that and let’s be honest here i’m old enough to know better as well

worst day

Today has officially been my worst day for weeks. Found it really hard first thing this morning to get my words out and that carried on throughout the whole day. Making stupid noises whilst trying to talk and not doing any of my techniques. For a little while i felt the old David coming back . I found it extremely frustrating BUT what has impressed me today is that normally when having a bad day i hide away and just don’t bother to talk to anybody in great length just simple one word answers but i have tried to keep going. I am annoyed at myself for not doing my breathing but today my asthma was really bad. It’s snowed all day and was really quite cold so perhaps this is the reasoning behind my speech but still, it’s definitely been a tough day today. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that i am doing too much. I’m forever trying to rush around and get everything done but i just have to accept that with my asthma now its impossible for me to rush around like an idiot anymore. I just have to be sensible no point working my arse off for this cruise if all i’m gonna do is sleep on it