one step forward thirty backwards

As pretty much the same as my previous posts over the last few weeks, frustration is definitely creeping more and more into my vocabulary. I am really at my wits end at the moment and it’s really starting to irritate me. Debbie says that i am back letting my stammer control me and who am i to argue with her. I trust Debbie’s opinion alot more than mine when it comes to my stammer as she is the one who gets the brunt of it.. I sent her a video message earlier and i made the mistake of re watching it, and although i am hilarious in it (obviously) it was very hard to watch it. I was going to follow my twin’s lead (the depressed moose) and post a video blog but that will NEVER happen. The first thing i noticed about the message was the length it took me to start the sentence, this was quickly followed by blocking, twitching, more blocking and more twitching. It really made me feel stupid. I shouldn’t have re-watched it as i know what i am like but i was curious to see it , well we all know what curiosity did don’t we. My confidence is at a low ebb and probably the worst it has been since starting this blog. It’s been bad for a few weeks but two things last weekend have really knocked me.

The first one was a phone call i had with my mobile provider. To cut a long story short i had emailed them a question as i didnt want to ring them and they tried phoning me back but i missed the call so had to ring them back. However i find in really difficult talking to them as they are based in India and i find that they took really fast and i can’t always catch what they say. Anyway i was stuck on my words and this bloke kept  interrupting me and then finally he said to me.” i can’t understand you as your voice is broken” i was shocked and furious, instead of apologizing he just placed me on hold then sent my call elsewhere. How dare he say that, i sent them an email complaining to which they said it’ll take ten days to get back to me!!! Ten days!!. Well already i know the outcome of this, it’ll get brushed under the carpet and just ignored. I hate phones at the best of times but this really has knocked me back. The second thing is that i spoke to somebody on my round today who has a stammer and who was obviously uncomfortable in the situation and i was trying to have a conversation with him!! He is only 14 or 15 and i wanted to ask him how he found the starfish project and whether it helped but both of us were stuck and it turned very very awkward for both of us. I just couldn’t stop myself from talking to him and it really was stupid because me of all people knows how awful these situations are.

I am finding myself becoming slightly withdrawn again and i didn’t want to be in this situation so close to the cruise. I really wanted to be able to help on the holiday and maybe even try some of the languages but i know this won’t happen on this holiday and it makes me cross. I had big hopes when i started this blog but now my confidence is shot. The worst thing for me is that i simply don’t know how to turn things around. I can’t stop myself at the moment, everything that irritated me about myself has returned. I know in my head that i need to STOP, BREATHE and START AGAIN but something is stopping me. In my head i am saying stop but i can’t. I’ve become very lazy when it comes to my stammer, i’ve still not tried the Tai Chi that i said i would give a go. I tried a yoga dvd the other day where i found out i was as flexible as a rock, honestly Debbie had to catch me a few times.

If anyone out there that still reads this has any advice or tips then now is the time to share!!. I’ve got two weeks until the cruise and something has to give. Otherwise it’s gonna be a vow of silence!!!

breaking the habit

Forgive me followers for i have sinned, it’s been nearly two weeks since my last blog on my stammer. Please don’t feel that i am neglecting this blog because i genuinely do enjoy writing it but this past two weeks have been really frustrating  My stammer has gone back full circle and it’s back controlling me again. I can’t do anything about it. I have forgotten all the techniques that helped me so successfully at the start of this journey. I am back tapping, making stupid noises, feeling stupid, blurting. Everything that i hated about my stammer is back with a vengeance. Prime example yesterday someone asked my how i was and i just froze, grinned back at them like a total idiot and walked off!!!. So embarrassing i wanted the ground to swallow me up . This week i have had a couple of confrontations with people as well and this totally threw me. I hate getting into these situations cos i feel like no-one takes me seriously, as soon as i start to block and stammer that’s it. in my eyes i have lost the argument so i might as well stop arguing and just agree. Debbie said to me that i have stopped trying and despite my protests i have to agree perhaps she is right and i suppose to some extent i have to admit this or i’ll never succed , i’m probably stuck in a rut as i am comfortable with my speech (although i’m contradiction myself by writing this blog). I can’t explain how i’m feeling actually. I am not depressed or anything like that i have a great life but these past couple of weeks i don’t know what has gone wrong. When i started this blog i had hoped that by the time we go on our holiday in June i would be fairly fluent, i know i will never be perfect but i had hoped that my stammer would be less noticeable on the cruise but now i know it’s going to be an issue

One of my big hangups is the feeling of being seen as stupid and the last thing i wanted whilst we were away is to be like this. I’ve got to talk to people that i don’t know, people with whom English isn’t there native tongue and i know i am going to be forever repeating myself, it takes such an effort to get my words out first time that once i’m asked to re say things i’m out the game totally. I wanted to be less of a burden to Deb on this cruise but the way things are going it’s going to look like she is my carer rather than my wife, every time i get stuck or block i just stare at her and she talks for me. For god’s sake i’m 34 i shouldn’t still be reliant on this. I simply do not know how to get out of this rut. In my head i’m saying stop but something is preventing my mouth from doing it!!