Holiday begins

So as you know I have been worrying pretty much for the past three months how my stammer is going to behave whilst we are on our cruise. I can’t get past the feeling that I’m going to show not only me but Debbie up as well. This has led to more anxiety and as a result my speech is not great. Some of the comments from my previous post were quite helpful and I feel I am trying more to relax a little and as I am no longer working I’m hoping I can turn my head off a little and let myself go. I really am excited about this cruise and I know it’s going to be everything I think it will. I just need to let myself go and just chill!! What will be will be (no I don’t believe it either!!!)
I’ve been quiet blog wise for the past few weeks as I seriously don’t want to get repetitive but I am honestly going to give things a go. I have been trying to breathe a bit more and slow my talking down which I know does help. Hopefully once I’m on board I’ll be able to relax more and just try to focus on breathing instead of just focusing on getting my words out as quickly as possible
So here goes 4 days til we go you probably won’t hear from me until after we get back on the 26th when I will no doubt be showing my thousands of holiday snaps. Oslo, Copenhagen, Tallinn, St Petersburg. Helsinki and Bruges are you ready for me!!!!!!!

one step forward thirty backwards

As pretty much the same as my previous posts over the last few weeks, frustration is definitely creeping more and more into my vocabulary. I am really at my wits end at the moment and it’s really starting to irritate me. Debbie says that i am back letting my stammer control me and who am i to argue with her. I trust Debbie’s opinion alot more than mine when it comes to my stammer as she is the one who gets the brunt of it.. I sent her a video message earlier and i made the mistake of re watching it, and although i am hilarious in it (obviously) it was very hard to watch it. I was going to follow my twin’s lead (the depressed moose) and post a video blog but that will NEVER happen. The first thing i noticed about the message was the length it took me to start the sentence, this was quickly followed by blocking, twitching, more blocking and more twitching. It really made me feel stupid. I shouldn’t have re-watched it as i know what i am like but i was curious to see it , well we all know what curiosity did don’t we. My confidence is at a low ebb and probably the worst it has been since starting this blog. It’s been bad for a few weeks but two things last weekend have really knocked me.

The first one was a phone call i had with my mobile provider. To cut a long story short i had emailed them a question as i didnt want to ring them and they tried phoning me back but i missed the call so had to ring them back. However i find in really difficult talking to them as they are based in India and i find that they took really fast and i can’t always catch what they say. Anyway i was stuck on my words and this bloke kept  interrupting me and then finally he said to me.” i can’t understand you as your voice is broken” i was shocked and furious, instead of apologizing he just placed me on hold then sent my call elsewhere. How dare he say that, i sent them an email complaining to which they said it’ll take ten days to get back to me!!! Ten days!!. Well already i know the outcome of this, it’ll get brushed under the carpet and just ignored. I hate phones at the best of times but this really has knocked me back. The second thing is that i spoke to somebody on my round today who has a stammer and who was obviously uncomfortable in the situation and i was trying to have a conversation with him!! He is only 14 or 15 and i wanted to ask him how he found the starfish project and whether it helped but both of us were stuck and it turned very very awkward for both of us. I just couldn’t stop myself from talking to him and it really was stupid because me of all people knows how awful these situations are.

I am finding myself becoming slightly withdrawn again and i didn’t want to be in this situation so close to the cruise. I really wanted to be able to help on the holiday and maybe even try some of the languages but i know this won’t happen on this holiday and it makes me cross. I had big hopes when i started this blog but now my confidence is shot. The worst thing for me is that i simply don’t know how to turn things around. I can’t stop myself at the moment, everything that irritated me about myself has returned. I know in my head that i need to STOP, BREATHE and START AGAIN but something is stopping me. In my head i am saying stop but i can’t. I’ve become very lazy when it comes to my stammer, i’ve still not tried the Tai Chi that i said i would give a go. I tried a yoga dvd the other day where i found out i was as flexible as a rock, honestly Debbie had to catch me a few times.

If anyone out there that still reads this has any advice or tips then now is the time to share!!. I’ve got two weeks until the cruise and something has to give. Otherwise it’s gonna be a vow of silence!!!

funny month of may

May has been a strange month for me really, my stammer hasn’t been great but my asthma is much improved and under relative control. I’ve been counting down the days until our cruise (20 days left) but my get up and go must have got up and gone!!!. I am already on holiday mode i think, i keep resisting the urge to pack. Well to be fair Debbie keeps saying it’s too soon!!!. I’ve got everything i need i think and just really can’t wait now. However this lack of energy this month means that i have neglected my photos. It used to be every time we walked Charlie the camera would come with me but i just haven’t felt the urge to take photos this month. I’m also slightly worried that i’d break the camera as i can be quite clumsy 

 

have taken a few photos though over the past few days so i’ve included the best of the month!! It’s a new section of my blog but i think it might catch on!!. At the start of the month we went and saw our cruise ship ADVENTURE OF THE SEAS sail past Cowes and the island which was really good to see (made me too excited though) and also we went to one of my favourite spots on the island Steephill Cove in Ventnor. It is such a beautiful place so peaceful down there and perfect for a cup of hot chocolate and cake (me love the cake). I’ve also been down the bird hut where i finally managed to get the woodpecker!! simple things please simple minds 

 Enjoy the photos as always your feedback always welcomed 

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broken record

My week so far has been wait for it . . . . .  . exactly the same as last week and the week before that. For fear of sounding like a broken record and i do apologize if i am, there is nothing i can do about it. The techniques that were working so well originally have deserted me. I have totally forgotten what they were!! I’m speaking too fast again and Debbie says that i have started interrupting her again in order to get my words out (sorry Debbie!!, love you!!). The frustrating bit for me is that i genuinely don’t know what to do about it!!.

I’m happy with my weight loss. I’ve lost more than what i wanted. In fact I’ve lost too much lots of my new clothes are too loose (woohoo chocolate diet here i come). My asthma has been ok, it’s obviously making more of a difference now that we are having a warm spell long may it last. I’m probably a little too excited about the cruise which is rapidly upon on us. 42 days to be precious.

I do keep meaning to slow down a little but i’m finding it really hard. I will make a conscious effort this week to try honest!!. I’ve got a Friday, Sunday and Monday off this week and with the warm weather it gives me a chance to take charlie out on long walks. I love exploring with him although he occasionally gets us lost. This week we took him to his favourite place in the world the beach!!. Unfortunately as from the 1st of May we are limited to what areas of the beach he can go on but it is definitely Charlie’s best day out. I managed to get some good photos as well. Debbie found out my hood for the camera so I’ve been practicing with it. You can guess whats coming next can’t you!! Heres some photos for you to browse

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my week in general

After my rant on Sunday about how my stammer is this week has been . . . . . .. well surprise surprise more of the same. i’m still doing exactly the same as before and i just cannot get out the habit of doing it. My head is telling me to stop and start again my mouth is just ignoring it, however as in previous blogs i’m not too bothered about it. I am determined not to let it get me down and just focus on the positives and the steps i have taken to get here. My asthma is very much controlled now so i can’t use that as an excuse it’s just simply one of those things i just have to accept. I honestly didn’t expect to conquer my stammer and i will take the progress i am making. Small steps is a phrase i use in a lot of my blog but it does really sum how i feel perfectly. I’m 34 not 13 and am not going to pick things up straight away and boom perfection. Debbie will tell you i am very much set in my ways and i fear change but i will make it (eventually). As long as i am still putting myself in difficult situations and facing them i will be happy to continue as i am. I am hoping that now the warmer weather should be heading our way my asthma will start to ease also, the cold mornings plays havoc with my breathing especially as i cycle to work, hopefully things will improve, i am in the middle of doing a peak flow chart for the asthma clinic to assess and again once I’ve completed three weeks of it we shall see what happens.

This week we have taken the opportunity with the lighter evenings to get out for longer with Charlie, his favourite place is definitely the beach, he absolutely loves it, i’ve got a couple of photos of the beach in Sandown but it was a bitterly cold afternoon and my hands were freezing and i didn’t want to hang around too long as the wind coming of the sea was going straight though me and also we have gone down to the bird hut in alverstone, hopefully weather permitting i’ll be going to Osbourne House and Carisbrooke Castle this weekend

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different week same story

For danger of sounding like a broken record this week has pretty much followed the path of the past couple of weeks. The cold mornings are definitely affecting my breathing which in turn is affecting my speech. I am trying to fight the frustration but it is getting harder and harder, i can feel myself pulling stupid faces when i am stuck and instead of stopping and taking a deep breathe and starting again i am not doing it and just continuing through the block. This is mainly at home which is probably to be expected as its where i am most comfortable and i don’t need to prove myself. I am not feeling stressed about the situation though as i’m hoping once the warm weather arrives my asthma will be less problematic. I have also noticed that i am speaking too fast again, but i am proud of that fact that i am spotting the signs and i know what i am doing wrong, ok fair enough i’m not being successful in applying the changes straight away but i am getting there honest!!!!. I don’t know why i speak too fast probably from being in a family unit with strong characters where you have to get your opinions out quick before someone else starts talking.

My goals for this week are to slow down my speaking and try to take deep breathes before and during a sentence.

With the warmer weather afternoons and lighter evenings we’ve taken the opportunity to walk Charlie for longer now and thats been really nice, i love being able to turn my head off for a while and also get my camera out. I was pleasantly suprised  by the feedback i received from my last blog so if you don’t mind dear readers i’d like to add a best of weekly photos. At the moment we’ve only got down to the bird hut  and surrounding areas in Sandown but once it gets warmer we can go exploring again, as you can see i do like a sunset and wildlife, Imagehope you enjoy the photos you’re feedback is always welcome. You never know this might be a new blog for me. I’ve got some great photos from past holidays that i can use so maybe i should start a new blog or keep it limited to this blog what do you think? should i combine the two subjects of stammering and photography?. I’m not so sure to be honest although one calms me down so the other is more fluent? Decisions decisions perhaps i should take a vote!!,

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageAnyway enjoy P1310872P1310879P1310896P1310930P1310944P1310947P1310948P1310961P1310962P1310966P1310973aP1310986P1310989P1310995P1320017P1320018P1320026aP1320033aP1320037a