As pretty much the same as my previous posts over the last few weeks, frustration is definitely creeping more and more into my vocabulary. I am really at my wits end at the moment and it’s really starting to irritate me. Debbie says that i am back letting my stammer control me and who am i to argue with her. I trust Debbie’s opinion alot more than mine when it comes to my stammer as she is the one who gets the brunt of it.. I sent her a video message earlier and i made the mistake of re watching it, and although i am hilarious in it (obviously) it was very hard to watch it. I was going to follow my twin’s lead (the depressed moose) and post a video blog but that will NEVER happen. The first thing i noticed about the message was the length it took me to start the sentence, this was quickly followed by blocking, twitching, more blocking and more twitching. It really made me feel stupid. I shouldn’t have re-watched it as i know what i am like but i was curious to see it , well we all know what curiosity did don’t we. My confidence is at a low ebb and probably the worst it has been since starting this blog. It’s been bad for a few weeks but two things last weekend have really knocked me.
The first one was a phone call i had with my mobile provider. To cut a long story short i had emailed them a question as i didnt want to ring them and they tried phoning me back but i missed the call so had to ring them back. However i find in really difficult talking to them as they are based in India and i find that they took really fast and i can’t always catch what they say. Anyway i was stuck on my words and this bloke kept interrupting me and then finally he said to me.” i can’t understand you as your voice is broken” i was shocked and furious, instead of apologizing he just placed me on hold then sent my call elsewhere. How dare he say that, i sent them an email complaining to which they said it’ll take ten days to get back to me!!! Ten days!!. Well already i know the outcome of this, it’ll get brushed under the carpet and just ignored. I hate phones at the best of times but this really has knocked me back. The second thing is that i spoke to somebody on my round today who has a stammer and who was obviously uncomfortable in the situation and i was trying to have a conversation with him!! He is only 14 or 15 and i wanted to ask him how he found the starfish project and whether it helped but both of us were stuck and it turned very very awkward for both of us. I just couldn’t stop myself from talking to him and it really was stupid because me of all people knows how awful these situations are.
I am finding myself becoming slightly withdrawn again and i didn’t want to be in this situation so close to the cruise. I really wanted to be able to help on the holiday and maybe even try some of the languages but i know this won’t happen on this holiday and it makes me cross. I had big hopes when i started this blog but now my confidence is shot. The worst thing for me is that i simply don’t know how to turn things around. I can’t stop myself at the moment, everything that irritated me about myself has returned. I know in my head that i need to STOP, BREATHE and START AGAIN but something is stopping me. In my head i am saying stop but i can’t. I’ve become very lazy when it comes to my stammer, i’ve still not tried the Tai Chi that i said i would give a go. I tried a yoga dvd the other day where i found out i was as flexible as a rock, honestly Debbie had to catch me a few times.
If anyone out there that still reads this has any advice or tips then now is the time to share!!. I’ve got two weeks until the cruise and something has to give. Otherwise it’s gonna be a vow of silence!!!