All gone wrong

Seems like I have neglected this site since last year but the truth is as much as writing these blogs helped me immensely early last year I always felt if I started writing again maybe it meant that I had gone backwards. I had forgotten the purpose of why I started writing in the first place which was to give myself some reasoning behind my stammer. When I stopped properly writing my blogs in June of 2013 I had never been so confident with my speech. Debbie wasn’t doing everything whenever we went out and I felt proud of myself knowing that I could be more help to her. Debbie is such a positive light in my life that I feel so bad that i over rely on her. Simple little things on the cruise like talking to people were initiated by me and I ordered at the bar and at restaurants in front of complete strangers and never even thought about it.
Fast forward 12 months and where are we. All the confidence has gone from my speech. I feel like I cannot talk one sentence fluently. I’m blocking, blurting and rushing and the sense of stupidly is returning. SOMETHING is holding me back and I can’t think what. The past 18 months have been the happiest period of my life but I can’t get past the fact that my speech is awful. I honestly feel that my stammer is getting worse. Do I return to speech therapy where I’m fluent in the classes? or do I go along as I am. I used to think that my speech was dependent on who I was talking to at the time but it’s not, I’m really bad with everyone. I’m seriously considering a vow of silence!!!!
The most frustrating thing is when I went speech therapy two years I picked up some really good techniques that really made a difference and the voice in my head holding me back was gone, but something has changed. Whenever I block I tell myself stop, breathe and start again but I physically can’t do it, people,think it’s easy to stop mid block but it’s so hard, I know how stupid I look when I’m doing It and I feel myself twitching and tapping, I’m still trying to start conversations and join in but because I’m rushing my words I don’t make sense and end up having to repeat myself anyway which is totally defeating the purpose.
I’m hoping that returning to writing this blog again will help restore some clarity and maybe help my confidence, quite frankly I’m sick of feeling like an idiot, I’m 35 and I can’t even hold a sentence together !!!! I don’t know what to do at this point in my life speech wise?, maybe I’m just too old, too stubborn to learn more.
One thing I do know is that I’m very fortunate and blessed that I have a fantastic wife and kids who understand and cope better than me with my stutter, without Debbie kicking me up the arse every now and again I’d definitely be in a worse state than I am now.

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Frustration

Today has pretty much followed yesterdays path FRUSTRATION, i have found myself repeatedly telling myself to stop, breath and start again but for some reason it’s not been working today. I don’t know why, to be honest, i don’t feel stressed, uptight or anything like that, i did wake up with a slight sore throat so maybe i am coming down with something (whenever i am ill my speech gets considerably worse). Again similar to yesterday my breathing was worse than my stammer. I was trying to work out what i did differently today and although i did manage to cycle to work that is only five minutes away surely i’m not that unfit? So i am at a loss at the moment to understand why i am struggling slightly but it won’t get the better of me

Is there any techniques that you use to help when you are having a bad day? i hear you ask but no there isn’t i wanted to find out if any of my readers have some hints or tips they’d like to share. Although i was having a bad day i did continue to talk to people and i was still trying my techniques which i am very impressed by, normally i’d retreat back into myself and just nod to people or stick to one word answers but i decided to write the blog to help me so  I’ve got to go head first into this haven’t i?