All gone wrong

Seems like I have neglected this site since last year but the truth is as much as writing these blogs helped me immensely early last year I always felt if I started writing again maybe it meant that I had gone backwards. I had forgotten the purpose of why I started writing in the first place which was to give myself some reasoning behind my stammer. When I stopped properly writing my blogs in June of 2013 I had never been so confident with my speech. Debbie wasn’t doing everything whenever we went out and I felt proud of myself knowing that I could be more help to her. Debbie is such a positive light in my life that I feel so bad that i over rely on her. Simple little things on the cruise like talking to people were initiated by me and I ordered at the bar and at restaurants in front of complete strangers and never even thought about it.
Fast forward 12 months and where are we. All the confidence has gone from my speech. I feel like I cannot talk one sentence fluently. I’m blocking, blurting and rushing and the sense of stupidly is returning. SOMETHING is holding me back and I can’t think what. The past 18 months have been the happiest period of my life but I can’t get past the fact that my speech is awful. I honestly feel that my stammer is getting worse. Do I return to speech therapy where I’m fluent in the classes? or do I go along as I am. I used to think that my speech was dependent on who I was talking to at the time but it’s not, I’m really bad with everyone. I’m seriously considering a vow of silence!!!!
The most frustrating thing is when I went speech therapy two years I picked up some really good techniques that really made a difference and the voice in my head holding me back was gone, but something has changed. Whenever I block I tell myself stop, breathe and start again but I physically can’t do it, people,think it’s easy to stop mid block but it’s so hard, I know how stupid I look when I’m doing It and I feel myself twitching and tapping, I’m still trying to start conversations and join in but because I’m rushing my words I don’t make sense and end up having to repeat myself anyway which is totally defeating the purpose.
I’m hoping that returning to writing this blog again will help restore some clarity and maybe help my confidence, quite frankly I’m sick of feeling like an idiot, I’m 35 and I can’t even hold a sentence together !!!! I don’t know what to do at this point in my life speech wise?, maybe I’m just too old, too stubborn to learn more.
One thing I do know is that I’m very fortunate and blessed that I have a fantastic wife and kids who understand and cope better than me with my stutter, without Debbie kicking me up the arse every now and again I’d definitely be in a worse state than I am now.

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3 thoughts on “All gone wrong

  1. Hi David, I am an ex stammerer..or I should say..I have reached the stage where I still have all those complex pre dispositions to cause a stammer, but never never now have that awful feeling that it is getting the better of me. My gradually hard won fluency is a marvel to me every time I open my mouth. I will never take it for granted. I want to share how I got there. After all that speech therapy stuff for 40 years, I’d decided there was nothing I could do, I would just have to live with it. My general health wasn’t good and a friend suggested Tai Chi. so I went along to a class very pessimistically. But amazingly my health improved enormously and after a year or two I found I was stammering progressively less. So I give up Tai Chi and hey presto..stammer returns along with other health probs. 23 yrs later I am fluent. I have been teaching Tai Chi now for 11 yrs. I came across your blog while looking for how I could help others with a stammer. I want to run a residential (not for profit) course specifically Tai Chi for adults who stammer. A week won’t work miracles, but if I could just give the key to people to get them started on turning that lock I would be very very happy. If you have any ideas how I could get this off the ground I would be delighted. Loved your blog..brought it all back to me. I felt my innards seizing up again just like they used to. Love your title too ‘I’m Stammer and I have a David’. So apt. Thank you.

    • Wow, that’s very impressive, I was told that maybe tai chi would help especially as I’m asthmatic, however work restrictions meant I could never go the available classes, would love to hear how you get on, I’m sure it would help lots of people,once they opened their minds to it

      • Thanks David, If you’re keen on joining my first course please do let me know. Meanwhile I urge you try a local class..what ever the cost..if only for the asthma. Most folk join Tai Chi for one reason and find it helps something else. Very best of luck.

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