breaking the habit

Forgive me followers for i have sinned, it’s been nearly two weeks since my last blog on my stammer. Please don’t feel that i am neglecting this blog because i genuinely do enjoy writing it but this past two weeks have been really frustrating  My stammer has gone back full circle and it’s back controlling me again. I can’t do anything about it. I have forgotten all the techniques that helped me so successfully at the start of this journey. I am back tapping, making stupid noises, feeling stupid, blurting. Everything that i hated about my stammer is back with a vengeance. Prime example yesterday someone asked my how i was and i just froze, grinned back at them like a total idiot and walked off!!!. So embarrassing i wanted the ground to swallow me up . This week i have had a couple of confrontations with people as well and this totally threw me. I hate getting into these situations cos i feel like no-one takes me seriously, as soon as i start to block and stammer that’s it. in my eyes i have lost the argument so i might as well stop arguing and just agree. Debbie said to me that i have stopped trying and despite my protests i have to agree perhaps she is right and i suppose to some extent i have to admit this or i’ll never succed , i’m probably stuck in a rut as i am comfortable with my speech (although i’m contradiction myself by writing this blog). I can’t explain how i’m feeling actually. I am not depressed or anything like that i have a great life but these past couple of weeks i don’t know what has gone wrong. When i started this blog i had hoped that by the time we go on our holiday in June i would be fairly fluent, i know i will never be perfect but i had hoped that my stammer would be less noticeable on the cruise but now i know it’s going to be an issue

One of my big hangups is the feeling of being seen as stupid and the last thing i wanted whilst we were away is to be like this. I’ve got to talk to people that i don’t know, people with whom English isn’t there native tongue and i know i am going to be forever repeating myself, it takes such an effort to get my words out first time that once i’m asked to re say things i’m out the game totally. I wanted to be less of a burden to Deb on this cruise but the way things are going it’s going to look like she is my carer rather than my wife, every time i get stuck or block i just stare at her and she talks for me. For god’s sake i’m 34 i shouldn’t still be reliant on this. I simply do not know how to get out of this rut. In my head i’m saying stop but something is preventing my mouth from doing it!!

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