one step forward thirty backwards

As pretty much the same as my previous posts over the last few weeks, frustration is definitely creeping more and more into my vocabulary. I am really at my wits end at the moment and it’s really starting to irritate me. Debbie says that i am back letting my stammer control me and who am i to argue with her. I trust Debbie’s opinion alot more than mine when it comes to my stammer as she is the one who gets the brunt of it.. I sent her a video message earlier and i made the mistake of re watching it, and although i am hilarious in it (obviously) it was very hard to watch it. I was going to follow my twin’s lead (the depressed moose) and post a video blog but that will NEVER happen. The first thing i noticed about the message was the length it took me to start the sentence, this was quickly followed by blocking, twitching, more blocking and more twitching. It really made me feel stupid. I shouldn’t have re-watched it as i know what i am like but i was curious to see it , well we all know what curiosity did don’t we. My confidence is at a low ebb and probably the worst it has been since starting this blog. It’s been bad for a few weeks but two things last weekend have really knocked me.

The first one was a phone call i had with my mobile provider. To cut a long story short i had emailed them a question as i didnt want to ring them and they tried phoning me back but i missed the call so had to ring them back. However i find in really difficult talking to them as they are based in India and i find that they took really fast and i can’t always catch what they say. Anyway i was stuck on my words and this bloke kept  interrupting me and then finally he said to me.” i can’t understand you as your voice is broken” i was shocked and furious, instead of apologizing he just placed me on hold then sent my call elsewhere. How dare he say that, i sent them an email complaining to which they said it’ll take ten days to get back to me!!! Ten days!!. Well already i know the outcome of this, it’ll get brushed under the carpet and just ignored. I hate phones at the best of times but this really has knocked me back. The second thing is that i spoke to somebody on my round today who has a stammer and who was obviously uncomfortable in the situation and i was trying to have a conversation with him!! He is only 14 or 15 and i wanted to ask him how he found the starfish project and whether it helped but both of us were stuck and it turned very very awkward for both of us. I just couldn’t stop myself from talking to him and it really was stupid because me of all people knows how awful these situations are.

I am finding myself becoming slightly withdrawn again and i didn’t want to be in this situation so close to the cruise. I really wanted to be able to help on the holiday and maybe even try some of the languages but i know this won’t happen on this holiday and it makes me cross. I had big hopes when i started this blog but now my confidence is shot. The worst thing for me is that i simply don’t know how to turn things around. I can’t stop myself at the moment, everything that irritated me about myself has returned. I know in my head that i need to STOP, BREATHE and START AGAIN but something is stopping me. In my head i am saying stop but i can’t. I’ve become very lazy when it comes to my stammer, i’ve still not tried the Tai Chi that i said i would give a go. I tried a yoga dvd the other day where i found out i was as flexible as a rock, honestly Debbie had to catch me a few times.

If anyone out there that still reads this has any advice or tips then now is the time to share!!. I’ve got two weeks until the cruise and something has to give. Otherwise it’s gonna be a vow of silence!!!

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funny month of may

May has been a strange month for me really, my stammer hasn’t been great but my asthma is much improved and under relative control. I’ve been counting down the days until our cruise (20 days left) but my get up and go must have got up and gone!!!. I am already on holiday mode i think, i keep resisting the urge to pack. Well to be fair Debbie keeps saying it’s too soon!!!. I’ve got everything i need i think and just really can’t wait now. However this lack of energy this month means that i have neglected my photos. It used to be every time we walked Charlie the camera would come with me but i just haven’t felt the urge to take photos this month. I’m also slightly worried that i’d break the camera as i can be quite clumsy 

 

have taken a few photos though over the past few days so i’ve included the best of the month!! It’s a new section of my blog but i think it might catch on!!. At the start of the month we went and saw our cruise ship ADVENTURE OF THE SEAS sail past Cowes and the island which was really good to see (made me too excited though) and also we went to one of my favourite spots on the island Steephill Cove in Ventnor. It is such a beautiful place so peaceful down there and perfect for a cup of hot chocolate and cake (me love the cake). I’ve also been down the bird hut where i finally managed to get the woodpecker!! simple things please simple minds 

 Enjoy the photos as always your feedback always welcomed 

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breaking the habit

Forgive me followers for i have sinned, it’s been nearly two weeks since my last blog on my stammer. Please don’t feel that i am neglecting this blog because i genuinely do enjoy writing it but this past two weeks have been really frustrating  My stammer has gone back full circle and it’s back controlling me again. I can’t do anything about it. I have forgotten all the techniques that helped me so successfully at the start of this journey. I am back tapping, making stupid noises, feeling stupid, blurting. Everything that i hated about my stammer is back with a vengeance. Prime example yesterday someone asked my how i was and i just froze, grinned back at them like a total idiot and walked off!!!. So embarrassing i wanted the ground to swallow me up . This week i have had a couple of confrontations with people as well and this totally threw me. I hate getting into these situations cos i feel like no-one takes me seriously, as soon as i start to block and stammer that’s it. in my eyes i have lost the argument so i might as well stop arguing and just agree. Debbie said to me that i have stopped trying and despite my protests i have to agree perhaps she is right and i suppose to some extent i have to admit this or i’ll never succed , i’m probably stuck in a rut as i am comfortable with my speech (although i’m contradiction myself by writing this blog). I can’t explain how i’m feeling actually. I am not depressed or anything like that i have a great life but these past couple of weeks i don’t know what has gone wrong. When i started this blog i had hoped that by the time we go on our holiday in June i would be fairly fluent, i know i will never be perfect but i had hoped that my stammer would be less noticeable on the cruise but now i know it’s going to be an issue

One of my big hangups is the feeling of being seen as stupid and the last thing i wanted whilst we were away is to be like this. I’ve got to talk to people that i don’t know, people with whom English isn’t there native tongue and i know i am going to be forever repeating myself, it takes such an effort to get my words out first time that once i’m asked to re say things i’m out the game totally. I wanted to be less of a burden to Deb on this cruise but the way things are going it’s going to look like she is my carer rather than my wife, every time i get stuck or block i just stare at her and she talks for me. For god’s sake i’m 34 i shouldn’t still be reliant on this. I simply do not know how to get out of this rut. In my head i’m saying stop but something is preventing my mouth from doing it!!

nirvana

I love the fact that people are reading my blog and recently i was asked to write an article for a music website http://www.intune-iow.co.uk about music legends.I kept changing what band to write about but finally I’ve got the right idea.
 
Growing up i wasn’t particularly bothered about music, i grew up with my dad listening to Rod Stewart, Phil Collins and stuff like that and my mum listening to David Bowie (mainly the Ziggy Stardust years), Human League, Paul Young and stuff like that. I remember in class when i was about 8 telling everyone that Phil Collins was my favouite artist (not cool). I grew up in the late 80’s early 90’s when music wasn’t readily available like it is now there was no youtube, facebook, vevo and the Internet was in it’s infancy. Radio stations all played the same usually Radio 1 or Capital FM and although you had Top Of The Pops and The Chart Show they were basically the same show on different channels. I listened to music in the car but didn’t really take any notice of it UNTIL……..
 
I was first introduced to alternative music in about 1993 or 1994, by this point i was 13 or 14, my life was solely based on football but i did still listen to music occasionally. The day that changed my musical tastes came about by chance really. We were on a school trip to Chessingtons world of adventures when my mate Grant Pomeroy made me a tape (yes a tape!!) of music that he listened to. I can remember it vividly, it included songs by Pearl Jam, Guns ‘n’ Roses, Lenny Kravitz, Ugly Kid Joe, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, The Offspring and Green Day as well as a few others however the band that changed me forever was NIRVANA. There was three songs on this compilation. Smells Like Teen Spirit, Come As Your Are and Lithium and that was all it took, well in honesty it was just the intro to Smells Like Teen Spirit, I’d never heard anything like it, I’d never noticed intro to songs before. Once the guitar kicked it you was immediately hooked. I listened to that song over and over again it was simply amazing. Even today whenever i hear that intro i have to turn the volume up and also repeat the song three or four times. There was something so unique about these songs the bass line and guitars simply hooked you and then when Kurt Cobain began singing you just took notice. The songs didn’t last long but that was a good thing it left you needing more. Those Nirvana fans out there will tell you that i was about 2 years behind the rest of them and i was. I had totally missed out on the buzz of Nirvana and the grunge movement but in all honesty it was really only Nirvana that did it for me. Pearl Jam’s first album was awesome too but nothing compared to Nevermind As soon as i could i bought the album as well as the singles and got into the band. I got into the other bands on the compilation as well and slowly my music tastes had dramatically changed
 
I don’t know why Nirvana stuck a chord with me, I’m trying to resist the usual cliches of the music speaking to me etc etc, but something about the music really made a difference. I remember watching the music videos and was just completely in awe of Kurt Cobain, the video in particularly that always stands out for me is Lithum when Kurt runs into the drum kit, at the time i had never seen anything like that and it just amazed me. This scruffy man from Seattle who i had absolutely nothing in common with was now the main focus of my music and it was because of him that i began to take notice of lyrics and what they mean, i couldn’t always relate to things as at 14 i had no life experience but i started to read about Kurt Cobain and started to learn what he stood for. In Bloom is an amazing song and his tongue in cheek lyrics poke fun at the fact that the people who made his life hell at school and bullied him were now hero worshipping him.
He’s The One who likes all our pretty songs
And he likes to sing along and he likes to shoot his gun
But he knows not what it means
Knows not what it means and i say
 
I had never known songwriting like this existed, it did inspire me to try my hand and songwriting and although wanting to i have never taken guitar lessons (my one regret). Once i had gotten into Nevermind i wanted more and when In Utero came out i got that straight away, again the song writing is immense, Kurt takes swipes at the critics and the songs are all worthy of singles. Heart shaped box and Rape Me being my personal favourites but what i love about Nirvana and Kurt’s songs are that they are equally adept and the power songs and also the softer side, Dumb, All Apologies, Pennyroyal Tea are amazing songs that probably don’t get the credit they deserve. When Kurt Cobain died i didn’t really feel anything, i had only really been a fan for a year or so but it was the first time i had known a music star kill themselves (or be killed depending on what your take on it is). Maybe that is part of his enduring legacy. A famous quote of his being “It’s better to burn out than fade away” and that is a fitting epitaph isn’t it. A reluctant spokesman for the 90’s generation X his lyrics spoke to millions in the world, but if he had still been alive today would he be revered in such a way? Nirvana exploded and disintegrated in such a fashion that perhaps it was only going to go one way. After all had he still be alive would we have had the Foo Fighter’s?. He changed peoples life’s with his song writing and music and who would have thought that on the day nearly twenty years ago Kurt Cobain and Nirvana would still be an integral part of my life. I have various books on Nirvana and Kurt Cobain and when things get to much for me i always whack Nevermind on just chill out to it. I even have a tattoo dedicated to my hero and ok maybe Nirvana aren’t my favourite band anymore (Papa Roach) without Smells Like Teen Spirit i wouldn’t even be listening to bands like that, I’d be stuck with Phil Collins and Rod Stewart.
 
 
 
 

crossroad

As previously stated in numerous blogs over the past few weeks, my stammer is becoming a little frustrating or more to the point I AM becoming frustrating. I know what to do but simply can’t correct myself. Debbie said herself the other day that i have become complacent and i have to agree with her. I know that i have accepted my speech as it is but i don’t know whether this is good enough. Should i be pushing myself more? Am i becoming too self critical again? I’m stuck in a rut with my stammer and i really don’t know how to get out of it. I have noticed that when i’m talking to strangers i put my techniques into practice. I take a deep breath, slow my speaking right down and feel in control, HOWEVER and his is the frustrating bit when i’m talking to family, friends and people i know i go to pieces and just resort to how I’ve always been. I start rushing, making noises, tapping, blurting and interrupting. I know i’m doing it but simply can’t stop.

I’ve got five weeks until we go on our cruise and i’m desperate to do more. I don’t want Debbie to be the one ordering everything and doing all the talking. In January when i started this blog and made the conscious effort to be pro active i was feeling very confident about where i was going with this, but now i’m holding my hands up and saying HELP!! This is where i’m asking for some interaction from you guys. Can you give any me and tips or advice as how to conquer this? All suggestions welcome

broken record

My week so far has been wait for it . . . . .  . exactly the same as last week and the week before that. For fear of sounding like a broken record and i do apologize if i am, there is nothing i can do about it. The techniques that were working so well originally have deserted me. I have totally forgotten what they were!! I’m speaking too fast again and Debbie says that i have started interrupting her again in order to get my words out (sorry Debbie!!, love you!!). The frustrating bit for me is that i genuinely don’t know what to do about it!!.

I’m happy with my weight loss. I’ve lost more than what i wanted. In fact I’ve lost too much lots of my new clothes are too loose (woohoo chocolate diet here i come). My asthma has been ok, it’s obviously making more of a difference now that we are having a warm spell long may it last. I’m probably a little too excited about the cruise which is rapidly upon on us. 42 days to be precious.

I do keep meaning to slow down a little but i’m finding it really hard. I will make a conscious effort this week to try honest!!. I’ve got a Friday, Sunday and Monday off this week and with the warm weather it gives me a chance to take charlie out on long walks. I love exploring with him although he occasionally gets us lost. This week we took him to his favourite place in the world the beach!!. Unfortunately as from the 1st of May we are limited to what areas of the beach he can go on but it is definitely Charlie’s best day out. I managed to get some good photos as well. Debbie found out my hood for the camera so I’ve been practicing with it. You can guess whats coming next can’t you!! Heres some photos for you to browse

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