new found confidence

Debbie said something strange to me yesterday when we were talking about my stammer, She said i appear to have found some confidence again and that she can really notice the difference. We generally have a conversation once a week about how my stammer is and i actually found myself agreeing with her (strange i know). The past week has been very encouraging for me, despite the fact i am struggling for breathe a lot of the time, especially at work BUT what i have noticed this week is that i haven’t let it affect me like in the past. I am concerned about what the blood tests and ECG may find and it is in the back of my mind but i am determined not to let it affect my speech. I have found myself taking a deep breathe before i talk, and although i’m finding the start of a conversation is where i am blocking the most it is a HUGE achievement for me. I’m trying to convince Debbie to write a blog of how she copes with my stammer (more for my own benefit admittedly) but she says it has never been a problem for her. Which in all honestly it hasn’t been, in fact the amount of times i have told her for forgetting that i cant say words on command is probably close to treble figures. It is a testament to the kind of person that she is that she has gone through nearly 12 years of putting up with not only me but the big chip on my shoulder. In all honestly part of my new found confidence is for her benefit, she has been my confidence all these years so it would be nice to return the favour .

It has made me recognize the importance of having a good support system behind you. I have been lucky that for 12 years I’ve had Debbie and the boys in my corner. Also I’ve been lucky that i have not really had to deal with bullying. I had support at school from my twin all the way through school and wherever i have worked I’ve been ok, yes the occasional comment from the one idiot that ever work place has but nothing worth writing about and certainly nothing that has carried on for months and years

I think some of my confidence is knowing that i’m not alone, the comments from people about my blog has really opened my eyes, i dont know why i thought i was the only person in the world going through this, but it has made me realize that my speech isn’t as bad as i have made it out, hopefully once the doctors sort of something for my breathing my stammer should be well under control, (too much confidence?). Realistically i know i’ll always stammer but i want to be able to have more good than bad days and the past week has been mostly good, long may it continue


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