Well this week has been a total non event, the euphoria of last week has just disappeared and my get up and go has got up and gone. I was gonna try and do my bucket list of things i really want to do but whats the point lets be realistic i’m either too lazy or too chicken to do most of them. My speech has gone back to where it was before i started blogging, I’ve started blurting again which i had stopped, I’ve started making stupid faces when i’m talking again and i’m back conscious of it which is really pissing me off now. I feel fat and horrible, i can’t stop eating chocolate or other crap even though i want to lose weight for the cruise in June. One of my favourite songs growing up was I can only disappoint u by Mansun and that describes me perfectly right about now, whats the point of me even bothering when i’m never gonna achieve anything. One thing i have always wanted to do for as long as i can remember is learn to play guitar, i loved rocking out to guitar hero (even caught jumping on the bed by deb) but that’s the closest i will ever get to the real thing. I’m sick of trying to better myself who am i kidding? i’ll never be what i want to be and i should just stick to being what i am best a disappointment, i should just learn my role in life and get on with it. At least i know that Debbie loves me no matter what, she deserves so much better than me, am so sick of when we go out she has to order for everything because i’m the coward sat at the table like a fucking idiot. I want to be known for something rather than just known as the stammerer, Maybe i’m just having a bad couple of days but i feel like i’m being oversensitive, or paranoid but i feel like people are judging me again and the stammer is winning.
I know i’m losing my motivation because i feel like i’m on auto pilot, everyday going the same as the last, same old delivery, same old people talking to me about the same old conversations usually this doesn’t bother me but this week it is, prime example at the moment is my beard, its so overgrown and i’m getting called Tramp Alan from the hangover, yeti, bear etc but i simply can’t be arsed to shave it, whats the point its only gonna grow again (although i could do with not catching it in the zip of my coat every ten minutes!!). I had high hopes with this blog, i wanted to write a book, learn a language, just generally enjoy my new found confidence but its gone, My brother posted Stutter Rap on Facebook the other day and i actually watched it for the first time ever, i thought that was a big step for me as i finally realized just how shit it actually is, but it made me think about other stammer parodies I tried doing my own . It was gonna be MC STAMMER – CANT SAY THIS but i got stuck on the first verse so that’s gone to pot now as well. I’ve tried chilling out and just relaxing i’ve got my music on right now and that’s definitely helping, whenever i feel like this i resort to good old dependable PAPA ROACH (i know what you’re thinking, how can you chill out to them?)!! But i can, i can listen to them constantly over and over again, I’ve got Friday of work this week so i think i’m going to take Charlie out (my beautiful dog) and my camera and go take some photos and just turn my head off. Maybe i don’t interact enough my hobbies are generally spend time on my own or with Debbie and dont get me wrong that’s where i am happiest