asthma revelations

So Friday was the day i was dreading this week really, had my ECG booked at 15:40 and as was my first experience wasn’t looking forward to it, however i needn’t of worried, was called into the nurses room, where she explained she had to shave me so that the sensors could go on (a normal situation for a hairy beast) and as i was told it could last 30 minutes i was just getting settled down for a well earned sleep after working my day off when i was told that was it all done. I looked at Debbie who had been sneaking a look at the monitor and she seemed to know all was well, then got called into the doctors who said that all was well with ECG and blood tests. Then the news that i was waiting for, you are ASTHMATIC, not sure where this has come from as far as i know no-one in my family suffers from asthma but nice to know that the tightness in my chest that i’d been experiencing since Christmas was nothing serious. In fact the doctor said that i have a 1.74% chance of having either a heart attack or a stroke which is nice. Slightly high cholesterol of 6 but nothing to worry about ( cue happy dance). Whats all this got to do with a blog about stammering? i hear you ask (yes you in the corner) well i will tell you

My breathing or lack of it has been affecting my speech for the best part of two years and whereas i thought it was just me being me, being overweight, talking too fast it’s actually a medical problem that has caused it. I’ve had an inhaler for two days and the difference is remarkable i’m so much better now which is great. The past three weeks since i started my blog i have generally tried to stop and take a breath and start again but because I’ve been so breathless its been difficult, however i have been impressing myself with my tenacity and i haven’t let it stop me. Now i really have got no excuse for letting my breathing control my speech, just take some of my inhaler and compose myself and  BOOM i’m there. Hopefully depending on my workload Tuesday might be the day i start tai chi which should be interesting to say the least.

new found confidence

Debbie said something strange to me yesterday when we were talking about my stammer, She said i appear to have found some confidence again and that she can really notice the difference. We generally have a conversation once a week about how my stammer is and i actually found myself agreeing with her (strange i know). The past week has been very encouraging for me, despite the fact i am struggling for breathe a lot of the time, especially at work BUT what i have noticed this week is that i haven’t let it affect me like in the past. I am concerned about what the blood tests and ECG may find and it is in the back of my mind but i am determined not to let it affect my speech. I have found myself taking a deep breathe before i talk, and although i’m finding the start of a conversation is where i am blocking the most it is a HUGE achievement for me. I’m trying to convince Debbie to write a blog of how she copes with my stammer (more for my own benefit admittedly) but she says it has never been a problem for her. Which in all honestly it hasn’t been, in fact the amount of times i have told her for forgetting that i cant say words on command is probably close to treble figures. It is a testament to the kind of person that she is that she has gone through nearly 12 years of putting up with not only me but the big chip on my shoulder. In all honestly part of my new found confidence is for her benefit, she has been my confidence all these years so it would be nice to return the favour .

It has made me recognize the importance of having a good support system behind you. I have been lucky that for 12 years I’ve had Debbie and the boys in my corner. Also I’ve been lucky that i have not really had to deal with bullying. I had support at school from my twin all the way through school and wherever i have worked I’ve been ok, yes the occasional comment from the one idiot that ever work place has but nothing worth writing about and certainly nothing that has carried on for months and years

I think some of my confidence is knowing that i’m not alone, the comments from people about my blog has really opened my eyes, i dont know why i thought i was the only person in the world going through this, but it has made me realize that my speech isn’t as bad as i have made it out, hopefully once the doctors sort of something for my breathing my stammer should be well under control, (too much confidence?). Realistically i know i’ll always stammer but i want to be able to have more good than bad days and the past week has been mostly good, long may it continue

Speak It

Ok well this is another attempt at a song. Slightly different to the MC STAMMER version so i hope you like it. To the tune of Beat It by Michael Jackson

They told you don’t you ever talk around here

Don’t wanna hear your voice you better disappear

You don’t make much sense and your words aren’t really clear

So speak it, just speak it

You run away and did you were told

No point in looking stupid trying to be bold

You’re trying to be tough tried to do what you can

But couldn’t speak it,

But you wanna be the man

Just speak it, speak it, speak it, speak it

Open up your mouth and speak it

Say a whole sentence all in one go

Just relax yourself and let the words flow

And speak it

Just speak it, speak it

Just speak it, speak it

They’re out to get you make you look like a fool

Don’t worry what they think stop trying to be cool

You wanna learn to speak be the best that you can 

So speak it just speak it

You have to show them that your really dont care

Just keep living your live this aint no truth or dare

They’ll kick and and they’ll beat you 

And you think that’s its fair

But speak it just speak it

Speak it, speak it, speak it, speak it

Let them know you’re not defeated

Say a whole sentence all in one go

Just relax yourself and let the words flow

And speak it

 

progress ?

Sorry for my lack of blogs this week, nothing wrong just not been in a very writey mood that’s all, Been a struggle more last week than this but been difficult. I have been trying my techniques but have struggled coming to grips with it, which in turn leads to more frustration. My breathing hasn’t been very good and my chest has been getting tight so after visiting doctors he has sent me up the hospital for blood tests and an ECG. Had the blood test today and the ECG booked in for next Friday  Debbie thinks that i may be developing asthma rather than any underlining problem. God knows what the doctor thinks as every time i go and see this particular doctor he insists i am diabetic. So i should find out in a couple of weeks whats up, i know something is up because i don’t feel right, going up and down stairs and hills is becoming harder than it should, especially because i am in the peak of fitness and have the body of a god (Buddha) Seriously though i am slightly concerned about it, Debbie keeps reassuring me that it will be ok and she is much more knowledgeable about medical things than me, but still i am a natural worrier. Funny thing is that because i’m feeling slightly stressed about my breathing it is actually making it worse as i’m back rushing my words and sentences. It’s a vicious circle i tell ya!!

However i am being positive, i have started looking into Tai Chi and have emailed someone about the classes, apparently Tai Chi concentrates on deep breathing meditation type exercises and i think this is something that would really help me. Obviously if i can control my breathing i am 75% of the way there as its mainly lack of breath that induces the stammer as i’m so intent of getting my words out that i forget to breathe . Another recommendation was yoga  but i dont think i’m flexible enough to try that and i’m more likely to pull something. 

I am still trying to speak to more people and use the phone more with various degrees of success. At the blood test today twice i was asked my name and date of birth and both times i simply froze BUT where previously that would bother me i composed myself, let the moment pass then carried on as if it hadn’t happened. This is a big step for me as normally i would retreat and just give one word answers. I know that i’m having a bad time of it at the moment but this is different. It’s not self inflicted its because i’m not right. Once i can get helped with the breathing i know now that i am confident enough in the techniques i have learned that i can master things. I noticed in my comments that some people think that i’m too negative but honestly i do feel positive about how things are going to develop. People that know me will tell you that i keep my cards pretty much to myself anyway but i am being positive. I’m doing things now that I’ve put off most of my life such as ordering things at a bar, phoning people up, answering the phone etc etc, all normal everyday tasks but these are massive for me. Highlight for me this week was surprising Debbie on valentines night and pre booking a table for us. Also the reaction to MC STAMMER was very pleasing and i am looking into other parodies too, watch this space

I have also been working on a book today, i couldn’t reach the top shelf and had to stand on it and that ladies and gentleman is comedy gold 

MC Stammer – Can’t Say This

Ok I’ve finished my parody sorry if it offends anyone, if it helps picture me in MC Hammer style trousers dancing along:

My My My stammer hits me so hard,

Makes me so why dear lord

Why did you give me

A speech defect that needs therapy

It feels bad and gets me down

Words get stuck and i start to frown

And i know as such

That this is a sentence i can’t touch:

Any tongue twisters (can’t say this)

Any long words (can’t say this)

Look at my mouth man (can’t say this)

You can see i’m stuck (can’t say this)

Saying the sentence in advance

If i get it right its a happy dance

So stay on the edge of your seat

If i get it right you’re in for a treat

Whilst i’m in full flow hold on

If i get stuck it’s all gone wrong

Like this, like that

Stammering makes me feel such a prat

I’ll let you know if it gets to much

And this is a word i won’t touch

Yo i told you man long words (can’t say this)

She sells seashells (can’t say this)

Sound the bell time for therapy (can’t say this)

Give me a song and i’m fine

Soon as i speak it’s way down the line

Now you all know

Talk about a stammer, i’m star of the show

I get stuck, chest feels tight

Fingers start sweating, i’m not alright

I’ve tried to learn

Whats its gonna take for me to earn

The right to speak

Pressured situations i just go weak

I tried to work hard but i just quit

Life with a stammer really is shit

That’s word cos you know

Can’t say this

Cant say this

Cant say this 

Stop!!!!!!!

STAMMER TIME 

 

reasons to be cheerful

So after my last less than positive post i have had the necessary kick up the arse from at least 5 people I’ve decided to do my do list: I’ve refused to call it the bucket list now as that’s slightly morbid I’ve got years ahead of me to do these things. Some of these things are probably unrealistic but you never know i might do them (although don’t hold your breathe)!!

Whilst doing this i discovered that most of these involve travelling and that’s something that i would love to do more of, so far I’ve been Tunisia, Malaga, Magaluf, Calais and Brugge. In June me and Debbie are going on our first cruise to the Baltic taking in Oslo, Copenhagen, Talinn, St Petersburg, Helsinki and Brugge so that’s one thing i can cross of the list already. Scandinavia has always appealed to me so thats why i chose this cruise. I wanted to go to Stockholm but i can’t complain at the moment, it aint going anywhere is it?,

Sorry i digress here’s the first part of my list some might raise a few eyebrows, some might make you laugh but it’s my list so there!!!

Bungee Jump,

Learn to play guitar,

Learn another language,

Write a book,

Meet Papa Roach get them to autograph me then get that tattooed,

See the Red Hot Chili Peppers live,

Buy a camper van and travel round Britain and Ireland,

Be fluent,

tattoo Debbie!!! (this is my own personal favourite),

Go to camp nou, ibrox and the San siro and watch Barcelona,Rangers and AC Milan play

Now we come onto the travelling section of the list, i didn’t realize how many places i’d like to visit until i started this but here goes:

Barcelona, Milan, Rome, Florence, Paris, Prague, Dubrovnik, Budapest, Stockholm, Berlin, Auschwitz, The Fjords, Lapland (at Christmas , Northern Lights, Lake Geneva, Lake Garda, Moscow. As you can see Europe fascinates me this is partly why i wanted to do a cruise this year as its probably the only way i could see so many places in one go. Ok we may only have a few hours in each port but thats good enough for now. Debbie and me both agreed that if we liked a place we would always go back. I love the history of places obviously Auschwitz would be such a haunting place to visit but that and the trenches in ypres and places like that intrigue me, such horror but i imagine they are now so peaceful places.

Further afield i would also like to go to:

Alaska, the Artic, Canada, New Zealand and an african safari would be the ultimate for me

whats the point?

Well this week has been a total non event, the euphoria of last week has just disappeared and my get up and go has got up and gone. I was gonna try and do my bucket list of things i really want to do but whats the point lets be realistic i’m either too lazy or too chicken to do most of them. My speech has gone back to where it was before i started blogging, I’ve started blurting again which i had stopped, I’ve started making stupid faces when i’m talking again and i’m back conscious of it which is really pissing me off now. I feel fat and horrible, i can’t stop eating chocolate or other crap even though i want to lose weight for the cruise in June. One of my favourite songs growing up was I can only disappoint u by Mansun and that describes me perfectly right about now, whats the point of me even bothering when i’m never gonna achieve anything. One thing i have always wanted to do for as long as i can remember is learn to play guitar, i loved rocking out to guitar hero (even caught  jumping on the bed by deb) but that’s the closest i will ever get to the real thing. I’m sick of trying to better myself who am i kidding? i’ll never be what i want to be and i should just stick to being what i am best a disappointment, i should just learn my role in life and get on with it. At least i know that Debbie loves me no matter what, she deserves so much better than me, am so sick of when we go out she has to order for everything because i’m the coward sat at the table like a fucking idiot. I want to be known for something rather than just known as the stammerer, Maybe i’m just having a bad couple of days but i feel like i’m being oversensitive, or paranoid but i feel like people are judging me again and the stammer is winning.

I know i’m losing my motivation because i feel like i’m on auto pilot, everyday going the same as the last, same old delivery, same old people talking to me about the same old conversations usually this doesn’t bother me but this week it is, prime example at the moment is my beard, its so overgrown and i’m getting called Tramp  Alan from the hangover, yeti, bear etc but i simply can’t be arsed to shave it, whats the point its only gonna grow again (although i could do with not catching it in the zip of my coat every ten minutes!!). I had high hopes with this blog, i wanted to write a book, learn a language, just generally enjoy my new found confidence but its gone, My brother posted Stutter Rap on Facebook the other day and i actually watched it for the first time ever, i thought that was a big step for me as i finally realized just how shit it actually is, but it made me think about other stammer parodies  I tried doing my own . It was gonna be MC STAMMER – CANT SAY THIS but i got stuck on the first verse so that’s gone to pot now as well. I’ve tried chilling out and just relaxing i’ve got my music on right now and that’s definitely helping, whenever i feel like this i resort to good old dependable PAPA ROACH (i know what you’re thinking, how can you chill out to them?)!! But i can, i can listen to them constantly over and over again, I’ve got Friday of work this week so i think i’m going to take Charlie out (my beautiful dog) and my camera and go take some photos and just turn my head off. Maybe i don’t interact enough my hobbies are generally spend time on my own or with Debbie and dont get me wrong that’s where i am happiest