Why?

So why at the age of 34 have i decided to do this now?, Well it all really began when I was sitting uncomfortably watching the undateables with my wife Debbie when it suddenly dawned on me, without my wife being so supportive and standing by me that i could easily be on an episode, my speech has gotten that bad over the past years that i feel its uncontrollable and an embarrassment, As you will learn with this blog my speech is my Achilles heal, it controls me and i have a big chip on my shoulder about it, the best way i can describe is that whenever it happens i feel about one inch tall, i get embarrassed and hate myself. Debbie described it best when she says its like your own little prison the only way i can describe the feeling is that whenever i stutter my brain is still talking and my mouth is playing catch up. Debbie never sees my speech this way and insists that it’s not as bad as i make out but i cant help feeling it. My speech therapist has recommended that i try counselling as she feels that there is something holding me back from accomplishing what I want in a way I’m hoping this blog will act as some form of counselling and help. Debbie who is my rock and confidence also thought that this may help, and in all honesty without her support i wouldn’t be doing this at all . My twin brother ( the depressed moose) has also written a blog about his problems with depression and that seems to have helped him so why not

So where did it all begin?, as far as i remember i have always stuttered (or stammered) what ever one you choose to call it, my earliest memory is of being 8 or 9 and leaving school to go to speech therapy, it was a group therapy and i don’t recall enjoying it at all, my parents never made a big deal of my speech so i guess i didn’t i was quite popular at school due to the fact that i was good at football ( which is the only time i don’t stutter), my twin used to take the piss but that’s what siblings are they for but whenever i had a problem he was there with me, i never really suffered from bullying occasionally the odd word here or there and the odd fight but it could have been so much worse, i think bullies realized that they weren’t taking on just me but my twin as well occasionally it did pay to have a twin. Whilst growing up here i didn’t really think about my stutter as being a problem until we moved areas. Growing up in the late 80’s was difficult stuttering was a bit of a joke for everybody, comedy shows would make a joke of it Open all Hours was often repeated even today although i know it is funny i cant watch it and of course we have Garry’s personal favorite Stutter Rap, oh how i loved that song growing up

Obviously moving at the age of 10 to a new area making new friends had an effect on me, luckily again as i was good at football i was quite popular, i got into more scrapes here than at the previous school but that was probably more me trying to find my place than anything else, I changed speech therapists here and felt more comfortable on a one to one basis but still didn’t feel that i was getting anywhere with it, football came first and so i didn’t go to a lot of sessions especially if it feel on a football match or training session, then after 2 years was the dreaded move to secondary school, i was dreading going there as i knew what it was like older kids, talking in classes, meeting loads of new people, having to explain to people my problem, it was horrendous. The theme of being popular due to football was again included here so i was very very lucky, i knew my place and a s long as i didn’t make my speech to aware to people i was fine. Registration was hard having to say here sir whilst everyone was staring at you was the hardest. Incidentally the hardest question you can ask me even today is my name. I dreaded having to read aloud in classes, at primary school i used to put accents on and loved it but here was different. I suddenly became very aware of the fact that people were watching me, i’m sure i could hear sniggering and stifled laughter, i didn’t know anyone really from my old school only 1 other person from my class was in my new class (Garry my twin was in my classes for the first time as well), i started making excuses not to read, or mostly would just refuse to do it and then get into trouble but in my eyes it was worth it. I never went to speech therapy during high school no-one ever mentioned it at all, football was my life and i think i was playing 5 nights out of 7 with various clubs, education didn’t matter my dad always drummed into us that football came first and that we were good enough to play professionally therefore in my eyes why bother, i had friends yes but no-one that i could call a best friend or anyone that i could talk to, I’ve always felt uncomfortable in the presence of other stammers so that was a no go as well, i always felt like i was on my own even though i had a twin brother. The problem i felt at school was that i was known for either being my brothers twin or simply because of my speech. I never put my self into situations where i could challenge myself i always hide away or played dumb and made out i was an idiot (something i still do today)

I managed to get through high school then came the new problems of the big bad world, i never wanted to go to college because of my speech, i always wanted to get into writing, it was always my escape i felt confident writing although until someone criticized it then i gave up ( this blog could be Short and sweet), i have never handled criticism even today as my wife will tell you, i wish i could be more like her and not give a fuck what people think but i need approval , no-one in my family knew but i always wanted to be a journalist but in my head how could i interview someone? id be a laughing-stock, no-one would employ me. I took the first job that came my way working in a sports warehouse, did that for three years liked it at first then got bored lol the perils of being 17 and bored. My speech was never really an issue there until it came to having to answer phones, that is my worst nightmare, its like getting an unwanted dirty phone call i tense up, i cant breathe and i cant talk, horrible just horrible. I gave up on speech therapy by this point i knew i could never conquer it

By the time i was 22 i had just learned to deal with it, i never liked how i looked, never liked myself in fact it was this point that i first got tattooed, tattoos are the only thing i like about myself, Debbie thinks i’m addicted i think she’s right but if people are staring at my tattoos they aren’t noticing my speech and when i talk about them i don’t stutter as its something i am proud of. At this point in my life i was relatively ok with my stutter, i had been single for about 3 and a half years and i knew that no-one around my age group would be interested because of my speech than fate intervened and i might deb by chance, to cut a long story short deb was living on the isle of wight i was in London and within three months we had decided that the timing was right and i moved down here to be with her and three kids, the kids were and still are fantastic when it comes to my speech they have never said anything about it and just behaved like its normal. It wasn’t hard moving really, i had nothing to stay behind for in London and i knew Debbie was the one for me, it was the right stage in both of our lives, my family wasn’t particular thrilled that i was moving in with a woman 12 years older than me with three children but most of them accepted that i wasn’t changing my mind, my mum and Debbie are the best of friends now, and although me and my twin sort of fell out over it for years we are slowly rebuilding that relationship, my dad well once he realized he wasn’t going to change my mind we’ve not spoken since 2004, my thoughts are basically i haven’t got to bump into him in the streets so bollocks!! but sorry I’m going of point. I found it difficult looking for work on the island, lots of clicks here jobs passed on through the family and all that etc etc, but Debbie supported me through two years and then we got married in 2003 and a month later i was working for Iceland, i hated every minute of it , having to talk to customers i refused to work on tills and eventually after 3 years i went on the sick with a bad back and never returned. In the summer of 2006 i joined Royal Mail, now this seems odd that a person with as bad a stutter would join a customer based job but i absolutely love it, i think my speech has improved because i can’t hide from people i have to talk to people, luckily i have had the same round for 3 years and my regulars now me and understand me. Occasionally i have had to have words with people, one old gentleman thought tat my Bluetooth headset was a contraption that made me talk proper!!! luckily i knew he meant well and seeing as he tipped me at Christmas who was i to tear a strip of him. However over the past year i feel my speech has gone downhill, i restarted speech therapy last year which at first i felt was helping but eventually weekly sessions turned to fortnightly sessions turned to once a month and i haven’t been since September the last session she said about trying counselling and this is where we are today. I cant string one complete sentence together, which frustrates the hell out of me because when i put into practice what i have been taught by my latest therapist i can do it, I know that if i breathe, talk slower i can do it, something in my brain stops me from doing it, in my head whenever i stutter my head is saying STOP, BREATH START AGAIN but i cant. Maybe part of me realizes that my speech is why i’m the person i am today, would i still be me if i were normal?, would my life be any better or worse?, for years my speech has held me back but what if the speech isn’t the problem its me?, am i just kidding myself? Am i too old to learn?

Hopefully this blog will help me somehow understand and hopefully it will help and inspire someone else out there who is maybe feeling the same and perhaps it will educate people into how people with stammers feel.

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10 thoughts on “Why?

  1. A very brave blog, am full of admiration. There is always hope, one of the best G.P.’s I ever had, had a stammer, didn’t make any difference to me. It was the fact he was a good doctor that mattered. Look forward to hearing more from you.:-)

  2. Facing it head on must be really scary but terribly brave at the same time….my younger brother also stammered terribly as a child but he did receive therapy and went on to be a DJ so there is always hope….it does sound like there is a huge stumbling block psychologically and hopefully that is something that can be worked out through blogging….best of luck….I look forward to future posts…

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